Through much of our dating years, my now husband, and I, always talked about the possibility of having a family if were to get married. Some times we joked about having an entire tribe of little humans and other conversations were simply pointing out that we were just not ready. On June 17th, 2014 he proposed. This was by far, the best day of my life. Who knew, this was the beginning of a very long road for us.
Now I am not one of those women who dream of having a big white wedding, and a giant family living in a house with a white picket fence, nor have I ever thought or planned my future before this. I honestly never thought I would actually settle down one day and get married. Something with Colin has changed all of this. I was happy, and I was alright with making this my Happily-Ever-After. When you enter into a relationship, especially one that you see going further than short term, there are things that need to be discussed before anything will ever work out. Children is one of them. From the proposal lead to many a discussion about what we both saw in our near, and very far futures. Colin was not yet ready to start a family, even now. He wanted to wait at least until half way through our first year of marriage. I on the other hand, wanted to start a family with my soon to be husband. Many a tear were shed over this topic of discussion, and then decisions were finally made to wait.
Give it one weekend back at home, and everything changed. We had gone home for his sister’s wedding. We spent most our days with my nephew. The most handsome 6month old to ever steal your heart. Colin was falling more in love with him each time that we saw him. It amazed me to see how quick Colin was to pick him up, cuddle him and play with him. Even at his sister’s wedding he held his niece and was constantly found staring at her in total awe. He was melting. His mother took a photo of him holding his niece and this was an image he was forever unable to forget.
At the end of the weekend we began our travels back home. A little down the highway, he looked at me and told me that he was ready to be a Daddy. I cried.
Now it is nontraditional to get pregnant before your wedding. However, I may not be a doctor, but I am a woman who reads and knew that it could take a few tries before a successful attempt. We began trying right away. Now there is no saying that we hadn’t had encounters in the past that could have resulted in pregnancy. A few months where we were so in love after our engagement that we were very careless with protecting ourselves. I had stopped birth control because I did not like how it made me feel, I had quite a few scares over that year.
A month to the day after our wedding, Colin was sent on an exercise out of town for work. He is in the army. We missed an entire month of trying. I was disappointed but I understood. He returned just in time for my fertile window and another failed attempt.
Months passed. I spent nights driving hours to secretly meet him on course for a late night rendezvous whenever I could. Again, I cried.
I felt horrible. Many women out there were unable to have children. Many were suffering. I was having trouble and felt like the only one in the world. It is horrible to feel so bad for yourself and yet, feel guilty for feeling that way. I was jealous. Jealous of my sister for her beautiful son, jealous of my sister in law for her little girl, of my friend and her new baby and of my two coworkers who had just announced that they were expecting. I was going to spend the next 9 months watching two people every day grow humans inside them and I wanted nothing more than to be happy, instead I was dying inside. I was left to bury my sadness in a smile so that I did not ruin the happiness of the people around me.
December came and we decided to chat out our frustrations. I was down with all our unsuccessful attempts and he was worried he was the problem. His brother suffered from low count and his job creates many hazards. He decided to talk to his doctor to get his count tested to see if maybe he had a hereditary issue. His doctor was just as concerned and referred him to doctor. Little did we know that this meant we would both be headed to a fertility clinic.
The first visit was very informative and overwhelming. Taking down our medical histories and and everything about our families we could dis up. We learned about types of infertility and basic causes. We were then set up with testing. His were basic, one test. Mine on the other hand were timed to my cycle and more spread out over the month.
After our tests were complete Colin headed away to another course. Our results were ready, but we had to wait to get them. I was hoping I was pregnant before our results, so that we had a glimmer of hope to hold on to. I was very disappointed and it killed me to break the news yet again. At least it was getting easier to shed less tears.
The most nerving experience is waiting in a office to find out whether or not were were ever going to have children. My anxiety was through the roof, my hands were sweating and I felt dizzy. I hurt all over. Ached from head to toe.
I received the all clear. From all the ultrasounds and tests they had run, everything appeared to be normal from what they could tell. Colin on the other hand, suffered from unexplained infertility. Low motility and low count. I was elated. No one was telling me no! We were to take the news and make decisions from there. We were to set a timeline to attempt success and go back to the clinic with our decision. 6 months. We were going to give ourselves another 6 months of trying. We purchased books, researched foods and lifestyle changes, causes and help. We tried it all. Hundreds of dollars a week on fertility friendly diets, proper sleeping, timed passionate encounters. Our love was now work, it was no longer fun or full of love and romance.
The harder we tried, the less we were successful and the more people around us announcing they were expecting. I was depressed, our marriage was changing, we were fighting. It finally dawned on me the news we received from the clinic. I was so excited that no one had said no, that I figured it would just take a little extra effort. Little did I know that it could still take years and more tests and more tears before we could learn that there were so many other reasons and unexplained answers.
It is called unexplained infertility. Some times two people just cannot make a baby together.
We begin our treatments today. A year and a half after our first negative pregnancy test. Intrauterine Insemination.
This is the beginning, hopefully the beginning of a journey to become a mother and Colin a Father. A new road starts tonight.
(I began this post a while back, I have hopes that this will help me sort through everything as I begin my fertility treatments. It took me weeks to write this. It is hard to do without crying. Top open up and admit everything that I feel)